A Psalm For my Child with Mental Illness
Psalm 139:1-18 ESV [with additions for my eldest]
O Lord, You have searched her and known her!
You know when she sits down and when she rises up;
[When I have no idea what is going on inside her head,
and she has no words to explain herself,]
You discern her thoughts from afar.
[When I’m terrified for the future,]
You search out her path and her lying down
[and while so much of her behavior is a mystery to me,]
You are acquainted with all her ways.
Even before a word is on her tongue,
behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.
[When I worry about bullies, and loneliness, and self harm, and hallucinations, and erratic behavior,]
You hem her in, behind and before,
and lay Your hand upon her.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.
Where shall she go from Your Spirit?
Or where shall she flee from Your presence?
If she ascends to heaven, You are there!
If she makes her bed in Sheol, You are there!
If she takes the wings of the morning
and dwells in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there Your hand shall lead her,
and Your right hand shall hold her.
If she says, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”
even the [depressive, obsessive, delusional] darkness is not dark to You;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with You.
For you formed Her inward parts [—her prefrontal cortex, her amygdala, her cerebellum, her orbitofrontal cortex, her anterior cingulate cortex, and her basal ganglia—]
you knitted her together in my womb.
I praise You, [because even in her disability,] she is fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are Your works [in creating her the way You did];
my soul knows it very well.
Her frame was not hidden from You,
when she was being made in secret,
[Her body and mind] intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw her unformed substance;
in Your book were written, every one of them,
[from traumatic dentist appointments to successful karate belt tests,
from neuropsychological evaluations to earning a medal for dedicated scripture memory,
from devastating diagnosis days to hard won victories at therapy,]
the days that were formed for her,
when as yet there was none of them.
How precious to me are Your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
[I wish I knew them.
I wish I saw what you see.
I wish I saw the beginning to the end.]
If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
[For now, knowing that she is on your mind is enough.]
She awakes, and she is still with you.
[Knowing You are close is more precious than gold, more precious than health, more precious than life itself.
Lord, I believe, help me in my unbelief.
Amen.]