Learning to See “Autistic Behaviors” as Strengths
A New Perspective on Autistic Behavior
My daughter has obsessively collected things since she could walk. Pinecones, stones, plastic, flower petals, even broken glass. At the zoo, you are less likely to find her laughing at the monkeys, and more likely to find her pacing, eyes scanning the ground for what she calls “treasures”. At playgrounds, she may take a few tries on the monkey bars, but after that, she will start at the perimeter of the play area and work her way in, picking up old hair ties or popped balloons left behind from a birthday party. The phrase “one man’s trash is another man’s treasure” has never been so literal. I kid you not, she once took a bag of broken glass to the pediatrician’s office. I thought nothing of the treasure bag she carried, because she always has a treasure bag with her. She asked the pediatrician if she wanted to see her treasures. Again, I smiled apologetically, silently begging the doctor to indulge my obsessive youngster. The pediatrician took a peek, looked up at me with mild concern, and said “you know she has broken glass in there.” Whoops. I was too tired to be embarrassed. We moved on from that awkward encounter, but Evie has never moved on from collecting. Until recently, I was confused and frustrated by the behavior, and I spent a lot of energy and money at therapy trying to get her to stop. Thankfully now, having her autism diagnosis, and the insight into the “why” behind her behavior that the diagnosis has offered us, I am no longer trying to eliminate it. Upon her diagnosis I learned that this is a common behavior pattern for autistic individuals and that it serves a specific purpose (remember: ask “why?” and then listen to other autistic voices). Now that I understand this “autistic behavior”, I am coming to understand how it is actually a strength.
What is Autism, really?
Autism is defined and diagnosed, both in a clinical setting and in pop-culture understanding, by behavioral profiles. In addition to “social deficits”, the DSM requires that “Restricted, repetitive patterns of behavior, interests, or activities” be present in order for diagnosis to occur. These restricted and repetitive behaviors are broken down even further and described in the following ways:
“Stereotyped or repetitive motor movements, use of objects, or speech (e.g., simple motor stereotypies, lining up toys or flipping objects, echolalia, idiosyncratic phrases).
Insistence on sameness, inflexible adherence to routines, or ritualized patterns or verbal nonverbal behavior (e.g., extreme distress at small changes, difficulties with transitions, rigid thinking patterns, greeting rituals, need to take same route or eat food every day).
Highly restricted, fixated interests that are abnormal in intensity or focus (e.g, strong attachment to or preoccupation with unusual objects, excessively circumscribed or perseverative interest).”
I want to emphasize that I am not saying that there is anything wrong with this criteria. I know that it is important for obtaining a diagnosis. At the very same time, as every parent of a neurodivergent youngster knows, diagnosis (i.e. recognizing the presence of the behavioral patterns above) is only the first step of a very long marathon.
Again, what you’ll notice is that the criteria is completely behavioral. But the behavior is not what makes a person autistic. What makes a person autistic is what is happening underneath of the behavior. What makes a person autistic is the experience and perspective of a unique and different kind of mind, which then prompts the behavior that we label as “autistic”.
When you start to truly listen to what autistic people have to say about the “why” behind the behavior patterns listed above in the DMS criteria for ASD (as encouraged in last week’s drip), you will find that these seemingly random “autistic behaviors” are not random at all. Dr. Barry Prizant explains that “usually the person is experiencing some degree of emotional disregulation. To be clear”, he emphatically asserts, “difficulty staying well-regulated emotionally and physiologically should be a core, defining feature of autism. Unfortunately professionals have long overlooked this, focusing on resulting behaviors instead of the underlying causes.” (19)
“Autistic Behaviors” are Strengths
More often than not, the seemingly random “autistic behaviors” that parents and therapists spend a lot of energy trying to eliminate are not actually problem behaviors at all. In fact, they indicate a level of self-awareness and are an example of self-soothing (two things that people spend thousands of dollars trying to learn how to achieve). Behaviors like collecting, swinging, hand flapping, lining things up, enthusiastic and restricted interests, and adherence to routine and sameness are all examples of strategies the autistic person uses to regulate themselves, both emotionally and physiologically, when their bodies can’t do it for them. They aren’t deficits at all. In fact, as Dr. Barry points out, “says that “in other words, “when they’re helpful, they’re strengths.” (21)
When parents, teachers, siblings, grandparents, friends of the family begin to understand and accept our beloved neurodivergent’s inner culture, we stop wasting time trying to eliminate regulating behavior. “Stimming” is not a sin issue. It is a neurotypical issue. We would do well to narrow our list of “bad behaviors”, reduce the number of items on our “deficit checklists”, and realize that some of the things that we deem unhealthy are actually an indication of the opposite. And instead of trying to remove “autistic behaviors” to make our kids fit in, we can be the first ones to accept them for who they are, and accept that their brains simply work different.
One Caveat
Of course the question arises: “What if the behavior is harmful or destructive?” Some children stim by banging their head against the wall, or by picking wall paper, or in Evie’s case, by picking flowers and collecting “treasures” from a protected wildlife area. While it is obvious that these behaviors do in fact cross a line and need to be stopped, the most loving and empathetic (and therefore successful) approach to stopping the harmful, destructive behavior is not to try to eliminate it, but to work with the individual, as much as possible, to replace the behavior with something else. If the harmful behavior is providing regulation, prohibiting that behavior is simply going to lead to… well… disregulation. This is why so many behavioral therapies not only don’t work, but are actually cruel (yeah, I know, strong statement). Stepping into your loved one’s shoes, remembering the why– the need for regulation– will not only help you to redirect the behavior successfully, but it also shows that you are in his or her corner. It is an opportunity to love, accept, validate, and dignify your autistic loved one. It’s not easy, but love isn’t always easy. 1 Corinthians 13 reminds us of that.
Okay, Two Caveats
None of this is easy. It can be exhausting, frustrating, and even embarrassing as you do the hard work of not only changing your own expectations, but of living in the shadow of the expectations of others (both friends and strangers). You will likely fall. Many times. Frustration may boil over in harsh words or raised voices. Fear of man might creep in and alter priorities. Sadness and exhaustion may hit you like a tsunami, leaving you in puddles of self pity and resentment.
Paul, in Philippians 3:10, declared that he wanted nothing more than to “know Him and the power of His resurrection”, and to “share His sufferings, becoming like him in his death.” We parents of children with developmental and psychiatric disabilities also want nothing more than to be like Jesus, right? We want to love and support our neurodivergent children, spouses, siblings, parents, friends the way Jesus does. But also just like Paul, in 3:12, we recognize that we fail, we miss the mark, we are not there yet: “Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me His own.” Right?
He has made us His own, and because of that, we can press on in the mercy of God, bathing ourselves in the newness of His mercy for us every day. Our sins are many, but His mercy to preserve our children despite our sin and His mercy to continue to conform us into the image of His Son is more. Press on, friends. Press determinedly on to love well and rest well in His abundant, steadfast mercy.